Ashleigh · Absinthe

I'm a horrible person, and I know this.
I will use your past against you.
I will use addictions to tease you.
I will rub salt into your wounds.
I will make fun of what you love.
I will rain on your parade.
I will bring up your downfalls.
I will scream 'I hate you' to your face.
I will scream that you do not talk to me.
I will stand at your death bed and tell everyone it was all your fault, what happened
I will laugh at your weaknesses
I will be the worst daughter on the planet
I will see things clear for the first time, when the life leaves your eyes, and apologies can't be heard
I will hold grudges
I will throw broken promises in your face

I am only human.

Incapable of compassion.

Incapable of love.

Incapable of trust.

Incapable of leaving the past in the past.

Incapable of forgiving myself.

Incapable of being alive.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me for being a horrible person.

Please forgive me for not helping you when you needed it most.

Please forgive me for not being able to listen through the pain and hurt and not helping to heal your broken heart.

I should have been a better person.

I should have been a better daughter.

I should have been a better listener.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Its my fault you're dead.

Well, another year has come and gone. I dont think anyone follows this, but I'm writing this just to get it all out.

On Monday, April 20th, 2009, it was the 5th anniversary since my mom's death. I had class, usually I skip, but I decided that today I would go. I made it through my morning class just fine. Decided to go see 'Sunshine Cleaning' at the Ritz bc it looked like a funny movie. I was wrong. Saddest thing ever. Cried almost the whole way to the train station. (The Mom dies in it, btw.) Bought my ticket and decided not to go to my night classes, too upset.

Today I heard a song that reminded me of my parents love for one another, or well, rather, my dad's love for my mom since it's from one person to another. I can't help but get teary eyed whenever I hear this song:

I Will Follow You Into The Dark by: Death Cab for Cutie

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark


I really feel like this song is about someone to kills themself after someone they love has passed on, or at least, couldnt live without that person, that they had died of a broken heart themself.  Like my dad did.

I really love this song, it just reminds me of how strong love can be, and I remember the one thing my mom used to tell me:
"Ashley, just know that you will be lucky if you ever find someone who loves you as much as your dad loves you." 
My mom loved my dad, and my dad couldnt live without my mom.  One day, I hope I can find someone with whom I can share that bond of love.

Some people die meaningless deaths...and some die from a heart that can no longer beat when their soul mate has died.  I see no death more honorable than that.  

My mind is racing around. Thoughts are swarming around it like a frenzy of mental patients running around their rooms. I just want to let them out. I want my patients to stand free and wise in a garden of black eye'd susans. I just want my patients to feel the wind against their cheeks and smile into the faces screaming back at them.
I feel creative. I feel the need to set up a scene. I feel the need to be in a pit of people. I feel the need to punch, and kick, and fight, and scream, and kiss, and love, and triumpth.
I want to feel my heart race over excitement. I want to tell myself I can do something. I want my dreams to come true. I want to put film in my camera. I want to squeesh paint between my fingers. I want to feel the needle and ink against my skin. I want so much out of life, but I expect nothing.
If life has taught me anything, it's to expect nothing, but work for everything. No ones putting a silver spoon in my mouth. No ones laying coats over puddles. No ones opening doors for me either. I've got to open them myself. I've got to break down that door and yell in their face and put my potential to use, abuse.
I've got ghosts fleeting around in my dreams, pushing them against the wall and telling them to give up now. To drop out. To be normal. To be a part of the majority.
I want to clash. I want to be brash. I want to be abstracted. I want to be different. I want to not be a norm.
I want to push the past out of my life. I want it to stop bringing me down and just add character(s) to my life.
I want to be in print. I want to be working. I want to be living life in the fast lane.
"Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood."
Some people are just born with the limelight on their skin.
Some people are just born with the spotlight on their face.
Some people are just born with the eagerness for actions in their limbs.
Some people are just born with the addiction in their nerves.
Some people are just born with the thirst of knowing, and seeing, and being in their mind.
I come from a line of fighters and lovers and drinkers and druggers. A line of persisters and surpressers and depressers and dementors. A line of: in your face, not take your shit, write down your name, keep a tab on your sins, punch you in your eye, spit on your grave, dance at your funeral, curse at your deathbed, drink until you cant see your hands, toke until you cant remember the pain, love your family, trust your friends, plan your demise, clean your mess, light your way, and still get up the next day and do it all over again.

this break has been amazing. not only have lots of good things happened, but ive found myself happy.

ashley? happy? whhhat?

i think its the combination of sleep, no homework, talking with friends, conversing with allie, growing closer to keysha and alyse, def writing, making plans, going out with joci and joey, beer, being hired as a freelance for the paper, hanging with hannah, and music. always the music. always.

i still think/worry too much about him, about them, about you. but thats ok. because dont we all need stresses in our life?

i like that ive got good friends. i like that i can text and IM them and they are there to listen. i like that we can live in little worlds we make for ourselves. i like that we can go to the movies and just be stupid. i like that we can hang out til 4am driving around and being trouble. i like that we talk. i like that we create our own happiness. i like that we make plans. i like that we have the waffle house. i like that we have rocky horror and red stripe. i like being too rockin' peas in a kick ass pod. i like that we have random drives around the 'burbs. i like that we drink beer and laugh at your boyfriend when he throws a gutter ball. i just like that i like having friends.

in a world filled with chaos and anarchy, in a mind that sometimes shut off to the needs of others...in a mind that usually doesnt care, i like that my friends are there for me.

i enjoy our late nights texts about how much we hate perkins. i like our IM conversations where we live in our own imaginations. i like 'hitttttt meeeeee.' i like our facebook comments. i like our trips to the movies on a random tuesday afternoon where we watch previews and make plans to go see new movies. i like planning out visits weeks ahead of time.

im glad that we have each other. im glad we have the internet. im glad we have work. im glad we're 21.

so this goes out to anyone ive mentioned.

thank you for being my friend, sometimes...more days than i care to count (and admit), our conversations are the only things that make my day legit. make my days safe. make my days fly. make my days...good.

i know sometimes i dont act happy or express myself properly, but the for the 10 years, for the past 5 years, for the past year, you all have helped. it's been almost 5 years and almost 2 years, and if it werent for you all, i really dont know where id be today, so thank you. thank you.

My now annual list of books I read in 2008: (PS they all rocked, so read 'em!)

1.'Antigone' by Sophocles - 1/27/08
2. '1 Dead in Attic: After Katrina' by Chris Rose- 4/2
3. 'The Heart is a Lonely Hunter' - by Carson McCullers - 4/20
4. 'Notes From the Deep End' by Christopher Gutierrez - 4/21
5. 'Twilight' by Stephanie Meyer - 5/2
6. 'New Moon' by Stephanie Meyer - 5/12
7. 'Eclipse' by Stephanie Meyer - 5/17
8. 'Snuff' by Chuck Palahniuk - 5/21
9. 'The Stand' by Stephen King - 8/2 (dude, book was seriously 823 pages long)
10. 'Breaking Dawn' by Stephanie Meyer - 8/9
11. 'Middlesex' by Jeffrey Eugenides - 8/18
12. 'The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger' by Stephen King - 8/26
13. 'Naked' by David Sedaris - 9/1
14. 'Insomnia' by Stephen King - 9/27
15. 'Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe' by Fannie Flagg - 10/2
16. 'Girl with a Pearl Earring' by Tracy Chevalier - 10/7
17. 'The Cheese Monkeys' by Chip Kidd - 10/27
18. 'Eat Pray Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert - 11/10
19. 'Into the Wild' by Jon Krakauer - 11/29 (Book will change your life, I promise, and so will the movie)
20. 'High Fidelity' by Nick Hornby - 12/4
21. 'Exposure' by Kathryn Harrison - 12/12
22. 'About a Boy' by Nick Hornby - 12/17
23. 'The Devil Wears Prada' by Lauren Weisberger - 12/26

There you have it folks...

Things have been pretty crazy, surreal, depressing, and just overall hectic.

My cousin's mom died last week. It was my uncles 1st wife, so I don't believe I've ever met her, but my cousin and I have been messaging each other back and forth. Its so weird to be talking about old tales from four years back. I'm the only one that understands what she's going through. Our similarities are so similar, its crazy.
-her mom died in a car accident
-head on collision with an 18 wheeler
Its just so weird to be recalling those old wounds I'd fretted over for so long to push back a few layers. Its just so weird to be recalling that old broken heart, picking at the stitches and letting the old memories seep from the surgical scar that had held it shut.
But maybe I needed to feel this again. I feel so bad for her, I have nothing to offer her in support except for an ear to yell in, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to take her frustrations out on.
Its like I told her, its not fair, it never wil be fair. And the years may help hide the wounds, but you'll still feel them.

I've been shooting a lot more bands and stuff like that. My cousin's band are a bunch of sincerly rad dudes (though I get a weird vibe from the lead vocalist,) but david said I could come on their next tour/roadtrip to a show and shoot for them. I know in dec I'm prolly gonna be shooting them at the Chameleon club in lancaster, so I'm pretty stoked for that. Trying to email managers to get into big shows, I hope it works out, especially after all the unprofessional girls I saw shooting at the bayside show this past saturday *rolls eyes* you don't even wanna know. One girl seemed very professional...until she opened her mouth.

The airs getting a bitter bite in it now, the gloves are coming out, scarfs are starting to wrap around necks, and we're all about to trade in our vans for boots...
...and I couldn't be more upset. This means one thing, and one thing only...Christmas is almost here, and I honestly, hate Christmas, God awful truth.

I have no idea what to do anymore. Part of me wants to let it all go, and part of me wants to barrel in for another round of hurt feelings.

I wish I hadn't been lied to...that's what it all comes down to.

I wish I didn't take things so personal, but I do.

I wish that I could move on, but I can't.

I wish I didn't rely on things that aren't healthy.

I wanted to give up this time, but something keeps drawing me back.

My whole life I've looked after people, taken care of them, been their nurse, and I guess after he died, I looked to you as a new project. But I shouldn't have. And I'm cutting that cord so you can look after yourself. No more nagging or bugging you. You have to figure things out for yourself, because we never learn when we have people pointing things out.

I'm gonna give this one more go around.

Just, please don't lie to me over stupid things anymore.

And watch out for the boy, I don't trust him.

These 24 songs describe me more than any book of words and pictures ever could:

1. I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty:
I'll keep this world from draggin me down, Gonna stand my ground and I wont back down.
Well I know whats right, I got just one life, In a world that keeps on pushin me around.

2. The Priest and the Matador - Senses Fail:
Father you're too late, my faith is weak. So won't you save your half-hearted speech.
I scream, "Please get the fuck away."

3. I'm Only Happy When it Rains - Garbage
I'm only happy when it rains. I'm only happy when its complicated.
My only comfort is the night gone black.
You wanna hear about my new obsession? I'm riding high upon a deep depression.

4. You Wouldn't Like Me - Tegan and Sara
There's a war inside of me. Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground?
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me. Well I can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound.
There's nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone.

5. Back up Against the Wall - Rancid
And she can’t be bought, and her nerves are shot. And she starts to rot, from the inside out. She said I don’t need you to save me, but there’s people here trying to play me.

6. Blame it on Bad Luck - Bayside
I spent some time in a bad place at 18, wishing I could see something through clear eyes.  Do you ever wake up to realize your life is meaningless?
It seems that when I ran away from my past, all my dignity, my faith, my pride got left back. But now I think it's time I realize self pity's meaningless. Though I'm 10 feet deep, I'll claw my way back out from in my grave. 
But now I realize I'd give anything I have to walk a day in my old shoes. Wondering what my first smoke would be like, my first fuck, my next fuck up. The next band that would change my life, and it changed my life.

7. Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance
And when the lights all went out  we watched our lives on the screen. I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene.
It was a lie when they smiled. And said, "you won't feel a thing."

8. Emma - Alkaline Trio
I'm running dry of bad excuses. Don't want to lie or seem intrusive but time hasn't told me anything.
Traded true love for insult and injury.
Emma woke up in darkness, suitcase already packed. Note on the bedstand signed in blood, "Sincerely, never coming back."

9. Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
You see my old mans got a problem.
He says his bodys too old for working, I say his bodys too young to look like his. My mama went off and left him.
I said somebodys got to take care of him.

10. Girl Anachronism - Dresden Dolls
You can tell from the scars on my arms and cracks in my hips and the dents in my car and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls.
And the pills that I ate came a couple years too late. And I've got some issues to work through.

11. Good Day - Dresden Dolls
You dont want to hear about how i am getting on with all the things that I can get done, the sun is in the sky and I am by my lonesome.
You'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart.
So go ahead and talk about your bad day... I want all the details of the pain and misery.
I picked up the pieces of my broken ego, I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go. But I'd love to have you up to see the place, I'd like to do more than survive iId like to rub it in your face.

12. Good News - Something Corporate
She's trapped inside her room, with reruns on the screen, old books and movies.
"My castles are falling"
I want to read good news, good news, I want to be innocent again, I want to read good news, good news, But nothing good is happening.
She stands a stranger in her skin.
She lines her walls, with every paper she can see. These words consume her, but they never set her free.
I want to be a little kid again

13. Half Jack - Dresden Dolls
Half underwater, I'm half my mother's daughter, a fraction's left up to dispute
You'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too. Long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back. I'm half Jill and half Jack.

14. Last Dance with Mary Jane - Tom Petty
Had a good lookin momma 
Last dance with mary jane. One more time to kill the pain, I feel summer creepin in and I'm tired of this town again
Well I dont know what I've been told , you never slow down, you never grow old. I'm tired of screwing up, I'm tired of goin down, I'm tire of myself, I'm tired of this town.

15. Last Resort - Papa Roach
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. Do you even care if I die bleeding. Would it be wrong, would it be right. If I took my life tonight, chances are that I might.
And I'm contemplating suicide.
Losing my sight, losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine.
Downward spiral where do I begin. It all started when I lost my mother

16. Lost in the Supermarket - The Clash
I wasn't born so much as I fell out
I heard the people who lived on the ceiling. Scream and fight most scarily. Hearing that noise was my first ever feeling. That's how it's been all around me.
And the silence makes me lonely.

17. Miss Take - Horrorpops
I did it again, I made a mistake. You're right now. Aren't you satisfied?
So maybe you were right, maybe I'm not worth the fight. You being right is not, oh it's not nice

18. My Vietnam - P!nk
This is my Vietnam, I'm at war. Life keeps on dropping bombs  and I keep score.
 Momma was a lunitic, she liked to push my buttons
I just wasn't hearing it because I thought I was already pretty clever

19. No Rain - Blind Melon
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I just want someone to say to me oh, oh, oh, oh. I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea. Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today, hey so stay with me and I'll have it made 

20. Saying Goodbye - Sugarcult
She kisses everyone goodbye and waves her middle finger high. They're never gonna mess with her again
Everytime they put her down, she makes a fist and the tears roll down
She's saying goodbye and leaving tonight, she's used up all her lonely tear drops now
The only friends she has all put her down

21. Straw Dog - Something Corporate
The closer I get to feeling, the further that I'm feeling from alright. The more I step into the sun, the more I step out of the light
Make no mistake that these villains always get the girl

22. Stronger - Kayne West
Th-th-that that don't kill me can only make me stronger
And you don't give a f**k what they all say, right?

23. Take Lots with Alcohol - Alkaline Trio
See I don't know if you can help me or not, cause I don't feel sick. But the pains in my head have almost put me underground
See I don't know why I don't fall in love, well maybe I know why
I see I'm boring you, maybe I bore myself too

24. Young and Depressed - MxPx
You've got so many problems, no one else thinks you can solve them
Life goes on day after day after day, too much work and no play
I know that you've been hurting, so much has led up to this. Your eyes are burning, hard times make the heart agree That's all that you want is to follow your dreams, they all fall apart at the seams.

More Train Writings:

I feel like I'm looking at my life through a SEPTA window. Seeing something potentially beautiful with a bright blue sky and a powerful outline, but smudges of sweat and hair grease smudge my window. Rements left by former residents, people that looked out the window before me, leaving behind only a vague, slimy, trace of their existance.
No one sits next to me today. The seat is spotted with, what I hope, is sticky soda pop bubbles. It looks like it, but you can never be 100% sure in this town. All I know is that the space under my own ass is clean, and so is the spot under my bag. People are reading around me. Best selling books, the Philadelphia Weekly, and what looks like an Architextural's Digest...if that is a real magazine or not.
Grey clouds are taking over the sky. They fuck the virginal blue clouds, turning them dank and impregnanting them, pushing their dreams of sunshine and rainbows to another horizon, which wil only fuck them over eventually. No, my grey clouds won't let the blue ones get away. Inside each beautiful blue cloud is the promise of a rainstorm. A tiny drop of water working its way into a thunderstorm, breaking apart its parent and ruining everything that that baby blue cloud dreamed of when it was a festering fog.
Blue skies kill when they give birth to black clouds.
I wish I could remember that...

END

The man next to me holds a ripped newspaper article about the unrest in the middle rest, something about talks in Israel.
Old people disgust me. Mostly just old men. They have ugly hands. Their mouths are always scruntched together in a frown. The one near me shakes and trembles, his pointy ears reaching out to the dark clouds. Part of me thinks he might be dying soon.
He falls asleep and the curvature of his back pulls his chin closer to his pot belly. He has a white plastic 'Thank you for stopping by' bag, doesn't he know everyone around us in green? Whatever is in that bag, he cares about, won't let up on the grip he's got on it. Could be heart pills. Or a locks of hair from the children he molests in his basement. Either or...
He's got cordaroy pants on.
You make your decision, I've made mine.

Like the old saying goes, when it rains, it pours.
I've been living on a checking account with $5.61 in it. I finally get a lil money in my account today, treat myself to a $1.25 street vendor hot dog, only to find out I'm about to be in the red again. I apparently broke my lens, so now I gotta fork over $100 for a new one, or spend $75 to have the old one looked at when its probably unfixable. Way to go Ash! And t-mobile comes in this week, so that's another $65, so that puts me in the red.
Just when I think things are starting to look up, it all comes crashing down again.

PS. I started crying waiting for the train today. But I learned a very valuable lesson: never look at pictures of your parents when they have smiles plastered on their faces, when they're long gone. And never try to think of what you mother's voice sounded like, or your father's laugh, when you can't remember a thing. How is it that I can't remember such simple things? Do I remember even having a childhood, or ever being happy, or have I pushed such thoughts so far back in my head that my mind won't let me remember? God, I wish I knew the answer to those questions.

Train Writings

He died because of cocaine. I tell everyone it was from a staph infection, or a broken heart. But it was drugs. Drugs that opened his flesh to disease. Drugs that numbed his mind from pain. Drugs that ruined our relationship. It was drugs, it was all drugs. I tell concerned faces and open hearts blantent lies. Words stuttered from my lips, as eyes are cast downward to Hell. I tell them lies because I can't stand the stares, or the judgements they give to him.
He's paid his price, now let him rest. It wasn't his fault, even if you think it is. Sure we all lost her, but somehow I think in the game of life, he was the one that got fucked over. He was the one who lost the rock that kept him straight. Mom-mom lost a daughter, I lost a mother, and he lost his soul.
Its hard to hear the trite words, or see a smiling face. Its hard to watch life as I sit on the perverbial bench of soltitude. Trains of thoughts rumble past my eyes. Shadows of memories walk past my feet. Strutures of old and faded pictures fall to the ground before, but still its the noises of a loss that cloud my insides.
And the birds don't help any. Not when they're free, flying to some desolite place where its always sunny, and warm. Its never sunny in Philadelphia. There's always the cold breeze of ill thoughts and shattered dreams whipping your back here. Always someones last shot rattling your ribcage. Always the ghosts of stolen childhoods hiding in the shadows.
And it only makes me think of him more. Of her. Of them. Of happy childhoods and warm fireside nights. Of a time when things were simplier, and the air around us wasn't thick with despair, and our world wasn't saturated with hate. The colors are beautiful when you can keep your head up, but some of...well, some of our heads are permenately down.

END.

Some days I look at the skyline of the city and see hope, some days despair, and some days...some days I don't see anything but an outline. The sun shines behind the Comcast building like a fireball from Hell unyielding upon an unknowing population. But its a safe city, this Killadelphia. Safe in a text that it lives, lives while so many inside of it have parished. Children line the streets like the victims of a Western firing squad. Parents watch with keen eyes on their offspring, an eye over their shoulders, not daring to give death a second chance.
1, 2, 3, 4 and we need more! This city of saints, cheesesteaks, hobos and art. This city full of so many things that I hate. It's to the scent of fresh piss upon leaving Suburban and walking down Market. It's the men in suits that sit on your bags while screaming into a phone about exchange rates and how they nailed the chick in accounting the night before. It's to the hobo's that upon second glaces look like long lost and deceased relatives.
But it's with the things that I love that keep pushing me towards removing the careless eye from the media. It's the wild shop owners that talk to you for 20 minutes about why the Eagles WILL win this year. It's the feeling of politeness that NYC will never have. It's to walking anywhere for anything; seeing an indie movie at the Ritz, eating a steak at Jim's, watching the couples in LOVE. It's to this city from an Outsider's perspective.
An outsider. Born and raised an hour away. Where people don't look twice at a three long buggy pile up, an Amish traffic jam. Where you can buy bread, jam, smoked pork and linen at one road side store. Where people think different and tell you you're crazy for living in the city, where you'll be shoot and stabbed upon arrival.
But somehow it's what I crave: the rush, the danger. It's that rush of being inches from the side of a SEPTA bus. The reflection of William Penn distorted by the PNC bank building. The fact that yuppy art kids can't walk up one flight of fucking stairs.
Its the place infamous for killings and praised for loyalty, it's my Killadelphia.

END.

Politics. Politeness. Patience. Patent Pending.

Wear your hair different. Paint your eyes like a coloring book. Rouge the space between your eyes and chin. But nothing matters, you're still ugly on the inside. You can try everything, but no one notices.

I noticed yesterday, its only in the hours of afflicked loneliness that I feel the black beast again. I want to have a reason for its return, but nothing logical comes to mind. Said I'd never be a victim again...guess I was wrong. Who knew you could play the role of suspect and victim so well?

So convincing? So conceiving? So contraditery?

A fascade I never gave up on.

"Good morning heartache, your like an old friend, come to see me again."

Its not the same beast it was. This one is cold and callous and a pussy. It doesn't pop its head up for all to see like My Old Friend, no, this one renders its prey weakless when its alone, away from the herd.

What a cunt.

My mind is racing around.  Thoughts are swarming around it like a frenzy of mental patients running around their rooms.  I just want to let them out.  I want my patients to stand free and wise in a garden of black eye'd susans.  I just want my patients to feel the wind against their cheeks and smile into the faces screaming back at them.
I feel creative.  I feel the need to set up a scene.  I feel the need to be in a pit of people.  I feel the need to punch, and kick, and fight, and scream, and kiss, and love, and triumpth.
I want to feel my heart race over excitement.  I want to tell myself I can do something.  I want my dreams to come true.  I want to put film in my camera.  I want to squeesh paint between my fingers.  I want to feel the needle and ink against my skin.  I want so much out of life, but I expect nothing.
If life has taught me anything, it's to expect nothing, but work for everything.  No ones putting a silver spoon in my mouth.  No ones laying coats over puddles.  No ones opening doors for me either.  I've got to open them myself.  I've got to break down that door and yell in their face and put my potential to use, abuse.
I've got ghosts fleeting around in my dreams, pushing them against the wall and telling them to give up now.  To drop out.  To be normal.  To be a part of the majority. 
I want to clash.  I want to be brash.  I want to be abstracted.  I want to be different.  I want to not be a norm.
I want to push the past out of my life.  I want it to stop bringing me down and just add character(s) to my life. 
I want to be in print.  I want to be working.  I want to be living life in the fast lane.
"Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood."
Some people are just born with the limelight on their skin.
Some people are just born with the spotlight on their face.
Some people are just born with the eagerness for actions in their limbs.
Some people are just born with the addiction in their nerves.
Some people are just born with the thirst of knowing, and seeing, and being in their mind.
I come from a line of fighters and lovers and drinkers and druggers.  A line of persisters and surpressers and depressers and dementors.  A line of: in your face, not take your shit, write down your name, keep a tab on your sins, punch you in your eye, spit on your grace, dance at your funeral, curse at your deathbed, drink until you cant see your hands, toke until you cant remember the pain, love your family, trust your friends, plan your demise, clean your mess, light your way, and still get up the next day and do it all over again.
For the dead: Mom.  Dad.  Mommom Salada.  Uncle Raymond.  Uncle Ferrel.  Poppop Pierce.
For the living: Mommom.  Nanny.  Aunt Barbie.  Aunt Velma.  Samantha.  Megan.  Steven.  Carl.  Ben.  Julie.  Sissy. 

So my bestest comes home tonight, canNOT wait to chat it up with her, I mean, two weeks without your bestest, you'd go crazy too!  lol

Sooo....since I have about an hour until she gets in, I'm going to post another '100 Recently Played iTunes Jams'

100. Bat Country - A7X
99. Pretending - HIM
98. Darkest Places - MxPx
97. What Do I Get? - Buzzcocks
96. Head Over Feet - Alanis Morriesette
95.To Bob Ross with Love - Gym Class Heroes
94. Sassafras Roots - Green Day
93. Dance, Dance - Fall Out Boy
92. Runaway - Linkin Park
91. Having a Blast - Green Day
90. Love Makes the World Go 'round - Ashlee Simpson
89. Good Morning Heartache - Billie Holiday
88. It's All Coming Back to me Now - Meatloaf
87. Psycho Therpy -the Ramones
86. What if She's an Angel - Tommy Shane Steiner
85. Paper Airplane (Makeshift Wings) - AFI
84. I Understand - Distillers
83. As Wicked - Rancid
82. Florida Plates - Pency Prep
81. Where Does the Good Go? - Tegan and Sara
80. Franklin - Paramore
79. I Wanna Be Sedated - the Ramones
78. One Way or Another - Blondie
77. Love Song - Jack Off Jill
76. The Take Over, The Breaks Over - Fall Out Boy
75. Lover's Rock - the Clash
74. The Queen and I - Gym Class Heroes
73. Downtown - Tegan and Sara
72. Save Me - Unwritten Law
71. Stuck in America - Sugarcult
70. Underneath Your Clothes - Shakira
69. We'll Be OK - Bayside
68. Cupid's Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes
67. Undefeated - Horrorpops
66. Call Me - Blondie
65. 630.236.5115 - Christopher Gutierrez
64. Grand Theft Autumn - Fall Out Boy
63. Back Up Against the Wall - Rancid
62. I Would Do Anything for Love - Meatloaf
61. Unfaithful - Rhianna
60. Meant to Live - Switchfoot
59. Just This Once Be My Savior - Christopher Gutierrez
58. Walking on Broken Glass - Mest
57. Seasons - The Academy Is...
56. Worst Day Ever - Simple Plan
55. In Joy and Sorror - HIM
54. Emily - From First to Last
53. Punk Rock Princess - Something Corporate
52. Blue Carolina - Alkaline Trio
51. Our Lawyers Made Us Change the Name of This Song so We Wouldnt Get Sued - Fall Out Boy
50. Settle for a Slow Down - Dierks Bentley
49. I'm a Fake - the Used
48. Warning - Green Day
47. Factory Girl Remix - Butch Walker
46. This Town - Hot Hot Heat
45. Shores of California - Dresden Dolls
44. Greatest Disappointment - AFI
43. If it Makes You Happy - Sheryl Crow
42. Duality - Bayside
41. Crawling - Linkin Park
40. Ohio is for Lovers - Hawthorne Heights
39. Dancing with My Father - Luther Vandross
38. Gernade Jumper - Fall Out Boy
37. Fix You Up - Tegan and Sara
36. Petrified Life and the Twice Told Joke - Gym Class Heroes
35. Death or Glory -the Clash
34. I Constantly Thank God for Esteban - Panic! at the Disco
33. Big Shot - Billy Joel
32. This Cant Happen Again - Patent Pending
31. If Your Heart was Broken...You Would be Dead - the Sleeping
30. What a Wonderful World - the Ramones
29. Coming Clean -Green Day
28. The Ballad of Big Poppa and Diamond Girl - Cobra Starship
27. Megalomanic - Incubus
26. Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood
25. I'm Only Happy When it Rains - Garbage
24. Private Eye - Alkaline Trio
23. Psychobitches Outta Hell - Horrorpops
22. Let This Go - Paramore
21. My Heart is the Worst Kind of Weapon - Fall Out Boy
20. Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n' Roses
19. Dont Call me Peanut - Bayside
18. Numb - Pink
17. Criminal - Eminem
16. It's in His Kiss - Betty Everett
15. Taste of Ink - the Used
14. Crawl - Alkaline Trio
13. Ruthless - Something Coporate
12. All I Wanna Do - Sheryl Crow
11. On My Own (Write On) - Gym Class Heroes
10. Hate Every Beautiful Day - Sugarcult
9. If I Died in Your Arms - Devil Doll
8. It was Raining - Devil Doll
7. Under Pressure - David Bowie and Queen
6. 36 Degrees - Placbo
5. Rockstar - Nickleback
4. If Everyone Cared - Nickleback
3. Animals - Nickleback
2. LoveStoned - Justin Timberlake
1. What Goes Around...Comes Around - Justin Timberlake

Songs I Listened to Completely While Typing this:
1.I'm Good at Being Bad - TLC
2. Meet You There - Simple Plan
3. Sheena is a Punk Rocker - Ramones